Gone to the Stars
by x snow-pony x
Summary: Sad Tracy story of Tracy's last night with cancer. I cried whilst reading it so please don't read if you don't want to be upset.


**A/N I was thinking back to Linneagb's story You Can Let Go that she wrote for a me a while ago. And I wanted to do either a Mike or Tracy death like she did, but I never had the ideas. And then I wanted to do some writing a couple of days ago, got an idea and went for it. I cried whilst writing this so I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Mike POV**

We'd been through hard times, me and her. All those times as a child she wanted her mum to come for her, adamant that she would though we all knew it would never happen. All those times as a teenager she fell out with Cam and needed some advice. The time she needed a job to pay back her biggest mistake, and the time she was left on her own for six months. I'd always been there for her and was always able to make it better in the end.

But this was too much even for me. I wasn't a magician, or a doctor.

And we were fighting cancer.

As I walked into her room she was asleep, as was becoming more and more the norm. I sat down next to her and gently took her hand. She'd told me one time when she'd woken after I'd been by her bedside for hours that she didn't want me to leave her sleeping, and that she'd rather spend the time that she had left with me.

As her eyes slowly opened she squeezed my hand before she gave me a smile. I knew she was trying to reassure me she was alright, as she always did.

Sadly the smile was the only thing there to convince me.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, giving her hand a gentle squeeze back.

"Tired," she said.

"You can go back to sleep if you want," I said. I turned to look at Cam as she came into the room having gone to buy some food: she'd been with Tracy all day and Tracy had just convinced her to go get something to eat. "We don't mind."

Tracy shook her head. "No, I don't want to."

I could sense something was off. Usually Tracy was just say it was OK, that she wanted to see me and could sleep later when I was gone.

She was adamant this time she wasn't going to sleep.

Cam had obviously picked up on it too. "You haven't had much sleep today, Tracy. You need to rest."

Tracy was silent for a moment, looking down at the sheets. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

"I, I-I-I..." she stuttered. She paused for a moment. "I don't think I have much time left."

A silence filled the room as what Tracy had said sunk in. Neither of us knew what to say.

"Why didn't you tell us?" I asked softly.

"I didn't want to worry you until I was sure," said Tracy shakily. "But this morning I woke up and as Cam asked me how I was doing I just felt a sense that something was wrong, that it's finally taking over. But I wanted to wait until you were both here."

Cam didn't say anything, but gently wrapped her arms around Tracy. Tracy began to cry, the sobs wracking her weak frame.

I gently placed a hand on her back and rubbed it in circles, wanting to soothe her. We'd all known this day would come, ever since she'd had the diagnosis and we'd been told it was too late to treat it, but it made me sick to my stomach facing the reality that in the space of a few short days, Tracy could be gone.

It could even be hours.

I wanted to ask her how long she thought she had left, what she was feeling that made her think that and all sorts of questions to help me prepare.

But this wasn't about me.

And seeing Tracy now all I wanted to do was make her last moments as good as I could. Like I'd always done with everything.

After a few moments Tracy leant back against the pillows, tears still on her face. I got a tissue and gently wiped them away.

"What can we do?" I asked. "Or is there anything you'd like to do now?"

Tracy sighed. "There's not much I can do, is there?"

"You've always found a way before," I said, giving her a smile.

Tracy managed a small smile back, but I could see the pain in her eyes. She was on painkillers for it, but this was emotional pain.

And not even the strongest painkillers could take that away.

"I just want to spend time with you two," she said. She paused for a moment. "You're my family. I just want to be with you."

We knew we were a family to Tracy, of course we did, Cam especially. But hearing Tracy saying the words aloud at a time like this brought tears to my eyes, and I could see Cam holding a lump in her throat.

I took her hand again, squeezing it gently. "We're not going anywhere."

Can took her other hand and nodded, unable to speak.

Tracy looked over to her and gave her a smile and squeezed her hand back.

"I saw someone carrying a bunch of flowers on the way in," I said, trying to lighten the mood. "The pollen must have travelled along to here."

Tracy looked confused for a moment, before she clicked. "Hayfever." She gave a small laugh at her old saying.

The feelings inside of me were too strong for a bit of hayfever though. I still couldn't process properly what Tracy had said. The thought of not having her here made me feel so empty inside. She'd been a part of so many lives, and a huge part of mine, and the thought of not having her around scared me.

I looked Tracy in the eye for a moment and knew she was feeling the exact same way.

"Are you alright?" I asked gently.

Tracy swallowed; presumably Cam and I weren't the only ones with lumps in our throats. "I'm scared."

It was only a whisper, but I heard it. And I knew exactly what to do.

I opened my arms and as she had done so many times she fell into them, needing the comfort I offered.

I gently shushed her, just wishing everything would be OK. In the past I'd been able to promise her that, knowing that even at the worst of times she'd feel better tomorrow.

There might not even be a tomorrow now.

I heard some more sniffling, and looked over to see Cam, tears rolling down her cheeks.

I loosened my grip on Tracy and gestured for her to turn around. Her eyes locked with Cam's and she turned to hug her.

I walked round the bed and wrapped my arms round both of them. Tracy had always been my girl, and as I'd grown to know Cam over the years I'd grown to love her as a friend and not just as Tracy's mum.

And right now we all needed each other.

Suddenly Tracy pulled away, consumed by a coughing fit. I held her up whilst Cam held her hand.

A small amount of blood appeared on the sheets.

I wanted to run away, to pretend it wasn't happening. I didn't want to face it.

But I couldn't leave Tracy now.

When she finally stopped coughing I gently helped her to lay down again, knowing she needed all the strength she could get.

We all knew the end was near now.

Just then the door swung open to reveal a nurse. She gave us both a smile before she turned to Tracy. "How are you feeling?"

Tracy just shook her head. "Not great."

"Well I've come to do your obs," she said. She looked at the food that Cam had put on the table when she'd come in. "Have you managed to eat anything?"

"I haven't been hungry," said Tracy.

The nurse have her a sympathetic smile, before she came to do her obs. I watched the numbers on the machine, all of them too low.

The nurse showed no emotions apart from her usual happiness as she completed the obs, and then took the machine away. "There. All done."

Tracy knew they weren't good either, but she managed a smile.

"I'll leave you to it," said the nurse, before she left the room.

After she'd left Tracy's face returned to the scared child she'd been before the nurse had come in. I took her hand and gave it a squeeze, and Tracy gave my hand a tight squeeze in return.

"I don't want to die."

Even I couldn't keep the tears in at those words. The pain and fear in her voice was clear, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

"I know, Tracy," I said. "But try and think positive. You might be wrong. You might have loads and loads of ti..."

"I can feel it," she said, interrupting me. "The next time I go to sleep I'm not going to wake up."

She paused whilst we tried to let it sink in.

"I can feel everything shutting down," she said. "I'm so, so tired, but I know if I go to sleep I'll never see you again."

She paused again.

"And I don't want to leave you behind."

None of us knew what to say after that. We didn't want Tracy to go either, but it wasn't a decision any of us had a say in.

This cruel illness had slowly taken her away from us, day by day.

And I hated it.

"Just, stay with us, Tracy," said Cam. She swallowed, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Just for a little bit longer."

I gave her a small smile, before I turned to Tracy. "You can't hang on forever though, Kiddo."

I hated saying it. I really did. But I knew we all had to face the reality and say goodbye.

And it was going to be the hardest goodbye of my life.

Tracy's face had a sudden look of determination. "Screw this," she said. "I want to enjoy tonight. I want to think of happy times."

"Like your face when Cam said she was adopting you," I said, smiling. "I still wish I'd had my camera."

"Or when you phoned me to say you'd got the job to be a proper writer," said Cam. "I was so proud of you."

"Or when you tried to save Jeff at the palace," I said.

We couldn't stop ourselves laughing at that one. Poor Tracy had missed me actually getting my MBE, and I'd had to go and find her afterwards and convince the guard to allow her to come and have tea with us.

"You were always doing things like that as a kid," said Cam. "Like when you spent all your pocket money on paint and decorated the living room for me."

"And when you nearly drove into us when you were practising driving," I said.

"I was sure I was pressing the brake pedal and the car just kept speeding up," said Tracy. "I couldn't work out why!"

We all laughed again, but the happiness was short-lived when Tracy broke off in another coughing fit. I held her again to support her and then lay her back down.

"Maybe we should try thinking of some calmer memories," said Cam.

Tracy smiled at her. "You want to know my favourite memory of us two?"

Cam gave her a look to carry on.

"That night you came back from New York. It might not be the funniest moment or the best day ever or anything like that, but I just remember how scared I felt. I'd told Mike earlier when talking about Harry that I wasn't sure it would feel right, you coming back, but as soon as you said my name I knew everything was OK. And I knew that I had my mum back."

The tears returned to Cam's eyes as she gave Tracy a hug.

A few moments later Tracy turned to me. "We have great memories too, don't we?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "What's your favourite?"

Tracy paused for a moment, before smiling. "When you said I could stay at Elm Tree House after I'd turned down that writing job, and then rushed to hug me. I know you were glad I was staying, but I also know how proud you were of me for achieving my dream like I'd said I would. I was proud of myself for doing it too, even though I didn't go for it. But to have you proud too, it was like I'd made my dad proud. And I'm so glad I was able to."

I'd definitely noticed Tracy's use of the words mum and dad. We were those figures in her life though, and I was proud to be seen as her dad. As tears came to my eyes I hugged Tracy too.

I just wanted this moment to last forever.

But we all knew it wasn't going to.

Tracy yawned. "I'm so tired."

Cam took a shaky breath. "Go to sleep if you need to, Tracy. We'll be here."

"But..." began Tracy.

I took her hand. "It's OK," I said. I paused. "If it's time, it's time." I paused again, needing to swallow the lump in my throat. "And there's nothing we can do about it."

"I don't want to go," said Tracy. "I really don't want to go."

I looked to Cam, signalling, and she nodded in understanding. I hugged Tracy from one side, and Cam hugged her the other. Tracy began to cry.

I don't know how long we were in that position, but it felt like forever. We stayed in silence, all of us crying at points throughout, before Tracy looked up at us.

"I just wanted to say thank you," she said. She had tears in her eyes snd had to swallow the lump in her throat. "I couldn't have asked for a better mum and dad. And I love you both so, so much."

"Oh, Trace," I said. "I love you too. So much more than you could ever know."

"I love you to the stars and back," said Cam, giving her a kiss. "And I always will."

We both hugged Tracy tight, and I took the opportunity to kiss the top of her head as I had done many times before. I was slightly surprised at Tracy's show of affection, but I guessed she'd had it in her all along, and had just learnt to hide it in order to stay strong.

I really wished she hadn't had to.

But I was glad she'd been able to tell us how she felt.

I was wrapped up in my thoughts when suddenly I felt Tracy go limp as she fell asleep.

We all knew it was for the last time.

We gently lay her down again, sat back on our chairs and took one of her hands each in ours. We shared a look, before we both looked back to Tracy.

The soft beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound in the room, which I hadn't noticed until now. And part of me wished I still hadn't.

I didn't want to know the moment she was gone.

We were sat there for half an hour just holding her hands, though it felt like an eternity. No words were exchanged, but both of us were lost in our thoughts, remembering happy times with Tracy.

I was interrupted by a continuous beep. I looked up to Cam and she nodded, before she began to sob.

I allowed my own emotions to consume me for a moment as I squeezed Tracy's hand, tears rolling down my own cheeks.

As I looked over to Cam again I got up and went to her side of the bed, giving her a hug. She hugged me back tightly, and I could understand why.

Our daughter was gone.

We didn't notice the nurse come in and turn off the machine, both of us too wrapped up in our emotions, relying on each other to get through the moment.

"She's really gone, hasn't she?" said Cam through her tears.

I nodded, unable to confirm it verbally. "She fought it well, like she always did. It was just one battle too many."

I stayed hugging Cam for a while longer, before I resumed my place by Tracy's bed. I again took her hand. It was still warm, still felt like her.

I just wished I could believe she was still sleeping.

"I'm going to miss you, Tracy Beaker," I said. I paused for a moment. "But thank you for all the joy you brought me. You were a terror sometimes but you brought a spark to my life that no one else did."

I paused again. I needed to think of the right things to say before I left her forever.

I could hear Cam whispering her goodbye, and then it came to me.

It was what I'd said to Tracy the first time I'd left her, when I'd taken the job at the other care home.

"I won't forget you. I promise."

I meant it with all my heart. Of course I did.

And I knew I never would.


End file.
